


Paparazzi

by Kittenmommy



Series: Loki and Pepper Potts: Conversations, Drinks, and Other Really Bad Ideas [32]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Candid photographs, Established Relationship, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, How to destroy your career in one simple step, Humor, In which Peter finally learns his lesson, Mild Language, Paparazzi, Peter is the buttmonkey of this series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-12
Updated: 2012-10-12
Packaged: 2017-11-16 04:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/535442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittenmommy/pseuds/Kittenmommy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stark and his companion walk toward the hotel entrance, ignoring the shouts and the flashbulbs.</p><p>“Mister Stark!  Mister Stark!”</p><p>Peter Parker smiles to himself; not only had he gotten a really choice shot, but he’s ahead of the game, for <i>he</i> knows <i>exactly</i> who Stark’s mystery woman is.</p><p>It will later occur to him that messing with The Avengers isn’t a very smart thing to do… and he’ll wonder why he hadn’t learned that lesson the <i>first</i> time around.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paparazzi

**Author's Note:**

> _The Avengers_ and _Spider-Man_ both belong to Marvel, and I'm not making any money from this.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Yes, I had just as much fun writing this one as I did the other one with Peter... actually, no, I take that back: I actually had _more_ fun writing this one! :D

The photographers watch as Tony Stark exits the back of the limo. He’s in black Armani from head to toe, including the sunglasses that cover his eyes despite the fact that it’s already dark.

He turns, offering a hand to someone inside the limo.

The woman who emerges is tall, taller than Stark. She’s also in black Armani, and her inky black hair is piled high on her head and held in place with an emerald-and-diamond-studded silver tiara. 

She blinks in surprise as the flashbulbs go off, blinding her.

“Mister Stark, who’s this?” one of the reporters shouts.

Stark just smiles and offers his arm to his companion.

“Mister Stark, is she your girlfriend?”

Stark and his companion walk toward the hotel entrance, ignoring the shouts and the flashbulbs.

“Mister Stark! Mister Stark!”

Peter Parker smiles to himself; not only had he gotten a really choice shot, but he’s ahead of the game, for _he_ knows _exactly_ who Stark’s mystery woman is.

It will later occur to him that messing with The Avengers isn’t a very smart thing to do… and he’ll wonder why he hadn’t learned that lesson the _first_ time around.

* * *

_**THE MERCHANT OF DEATH AND THE QUEEN OF HELL!**_ , the _Daily Bugle_ ’s headline screams over a picture of Tony helping Hel out of the back of the limousine.

“Parker, I don’t know how you do it,” J. Jonah Jameson is saying, grinning hugely and chomping on his cigar like a maniac. “You scooped every other rag in this city! How did you know who she is?”

Peter smiles modestly. “I have _really_ good sources.”

“Well, I’ll tell you what, your days as a stringer are over! I don’t want you selling your pics to anyone but us!”

“You mean…?”

“You’re hired, Parker!” Jameson shouts, taking his cigar out of his mouth and gesticulating wildly with it. “Now, what I _really_ want are pics of Spider-Man. Think you can get me some?”

“I… yeah, I think that might be doable, sir,” Peter replies confidently.

Jameson claps Peter on the shoulder. “That’s my boy!”

* * *

The elevator _dings_ , depositing Tony in the Avengers’ living room.

Loki and Pepper are on the sofa, a sobbing Hel between them.

“Shit,” Tony says. “You guys saw the _Bugle_.” It isn’t a question.

“I think I know a nasty little spider that needs to be _stepped on_ ,” Natasha says angrily.

“Seriously, Tony, this guy is out of control,” Bruce says from his place on the other sofa.

“Just give me the word, Cap,” Clint’s muffled voice says from somewhere above. 

Tony glances up and sees nothing… _What the hell, is he in the damn_ air ducts _?_ Tony wonders.

“I can’t authorize anything like that,” Steve says, slouching in his armchair. “Unfortunately.”

Loki looks up at Tony.

“ _He has made my daughter cry._ ” Tony is forever grateful that _he’s_ not the one responsible for putting that look on Loki’s face. “I should find him and make him a spider _in truth_!”

But he’s watching Tony expectantly, and Tony suddenly realizes that Loki wants to see what Tony is made of.

“Don’t worry,” Tony says, the plan already forming in his mind. “I’m gonna fix that bug’s little red wagon once and for all.”

Hel looks up, her face stained with tears. “His wagon?”

“It’s an expression, Hel,” Pepper tells her gently. “It means that Tony’s really going to let him have it this time.”

“Good,” Hel sniffles. “And I even _liked_ him! I thought he was _nice_! Why would he…?” She can’t even finish the thought without bursting into fresh tears.

“He’s a journalist,” Tony says. “They’re _all_ scum-sucking bottom-feeders!”

“What will you do to him, Stark?” Loki asks, eyes narrowed.

Tony’s grin is pure evil.

“You’ll see. When I’m done with him, he’s going to _wish_ you’d turned him into a spider and let Natasha step on him! Loki, I have a piece of mischief in mind that’s gonna make _you_ proud.”

“I am every inch eager anticipation, Stark.”

“Oh, you just _wait_ … hey, can I borrow your phone?”

* * *

“ _Parker!_ ” Jameson’s enraged voice screams over the telephone.

Spider-Man winces and changes the position of the phone by his ear.

“I’m busy now, sir. I think I can get you a pic of Spider-Ma– ”

“Forget about Spider-Man!” Jameson screams. “I will not have this newspaper made a laughingstock! Have you seen our website?”

“Uh… no…”

“Well, go take a look. And then _you’re fired_!”

“But sir – ”

“ _FIRED!_ ”

The line goes dead.

With a sigh, Spider-Man opens his web browser (His _web_ browser! _Ha!_ ) and goes to the _Bugle_ ’s home page.

And he stares.

And _stares_.

And _listens_.

“Oh no,” he finally whispers.

* * *

Hel can barely speak for laughing. “Oh, Tony, you are _wicked_!”

“Is that a thing of beauty, or _what_?” Tony asks, grinning and sipping his scotch.

“That’s _really_ mean, Tony,” Steve says, but he’s trying not to laugh.

There’s music coming from the computer speakers:

“ _Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down._ ”

“Remind me never to piss you off, Tony,” Bruce murmurs.

“I have to hand it to you, Stark, for even _I_ would not have thought of such mischief.”

“Mister Stark _did_ have help, Mister Laufeyson,” JARVIS points out.

“Yeah, yeah, but it was _my_ idea!” Tony reminds them.

“ _Kick ’em when they’re up, kick ’em when they’re down. Kick ’em when they’re stiff, kick ’em all around!_ ”

“Tony, this is…” Pepper’s voice trails off as she begins laughing again.

“That’s one little spider who’ll never come hunting around _here_ again!” Natasha says with satisfaction.

“What’s so funny?” Clint’s muffled voice asks from above.

“Crawl out of there and take a look,” Tony yells at the ceiling.

A moment later, Clint emerges from the other room.

“What?” he asks, hurrying over to look at the holographic computer screen.

It’s currently displaying the _Daily Bugle_ ’s home page.

And Don Henley is singing: 

“ _Dirty little secrets, dirty little lies. We’ve got our dirty little fingers in everybody’s pies.”_

The only picture on the site was taken by Loki in the Avengers’ living room.

“ _We love to cut you down to size, we love dirty laundry!_ ”

It’s Peter, in his French maid’s uniform and stiletto heels.

“They keep trying to change it, sir,” JARVIS says.

“Keep stopping them,” Tony says with a shrug.

“ _We can do the innuendo, we can dance and sing. When it’s said and done we haven’t told you a thing._ ”

The only links still active on the site read, “ _About Our Advertisers_ ” and “ _Contact Us_ ”.

“ _We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry!_ ”

“Ladies, gentlemen,” Tony says, “I believe that our pest control problem is over!”

FINIS.

**Author's Note:**

> "[Dirty Laundry](http://www.4shared.com/mp3/_M6kN_9w/Dirty_Laundry.html?)" belongs to Don Henley.


End file.
